My hobby

A little over a year ago, Sean and I decided to get a fish tank. I loved the beauty that came from having this huge tank of water sitting in my livingroom, and I often would just sit on my couch and watch the fish swim. One day I would love to own a HUGE aquarium in my own home. Anyway, once a week my fish tank must be cleaned. A couple gallons of dirty water taken out and a couple of gallons of clean water put back in, walls washed, decorations washed...etc. Well, I've been EXTREMELY busy lately and so my poor little fish have been neglected. Yesterday I did a deep clean on their fish tank and as I was about to replace the filter, realized I was completely out of them. Because it is my summer break and I enjoying getting out of my house, Sean and I jumped in the car and headed across town to Petsmart. THEY SAW US COMING. 

We went in wanting a filter and a couple of new fish a few of the older fish have died and the fish that are left in the tank look sad and out sized by the tank. While looking at fish, the fish that Sean wanted had to be in a minimum of a 20 gallon tank we only have a 10 gallon tank so we decided to just go and check how much a 20 gallon tank would be....It was on SALE! As we sat their deciding what tank to get we realized that for $10 more we could get a 36 gallon tank... why would any not want to upgrade for that amount? Well, finding the larger tank led to needing a larger filter system, stronger heat source, larger decorations, even more fish than before, and more gravel. We had tried to keep the prices as low as possible, and so we didn't pick the top of the line filtering system. A cute young lady came up as Sean was going through a moral dilemma about getting a less powerful filter, and started to rave about the better more expensive filter; oh Sean was sold and had to have it. Than while we were picking out the fish to go into our tank the lady informed us of a sale they were having on fish buy 4 get 2 free... WHAT I had to have them. 

So our trip to Petsmart, that was supposed to be for a filter and a couple of fish, ended with an entire new aquarium and 18 new fish. I think it looks fantastic and the fish are going to look amazing in there they can't be put in for 24 hours so that the water can be filtered a couple of times and all of the enzymes that I put in have a chance to do their thing. 

Our Journey to Children

I am frequently asked by people how long I have been married, to which I reply "7 years". I don't feel bad telling them 7 years because my anniversary is next month. The next question, I can almost guarantee will follow is, "do you have any kids?" To which I reply "nope", "no", or "not yet". Sometimes the conversations starts the other way around. "So do you and your husband have children?" "nope". "Oh are you newly weds?" "No, we've been married 7 years." Either way the conversation starts, there is always an awkward pause that fallows, and more recently the rude comment of "So, do you two not want kids or something?" First of all, this question is the rudest question you can ask a women... regardless of how long she has been married. It is none of your business, it is only the business of her and her partner. Secondly, nine times out of ten she is thinking "just because I don't have children running around my feet, calling me mommy, doesn't mean I don't want children" even though what she really responds is "I guess only time will tell".

So, in response to this question I have decided to share Sean and my story about our journey to children. I have decided not to hold anything back, and have decided to tell our story as it happened; which means some of you may take offense to what I have to say. This also mean it's a SUPER LONG STORY... I've warned you. 

Sean and I were married 07/07/2007, prior to getting married we decided that we wanted to wait to have children and I went on birth control. I was a complete LUNATIC on birth control. I'm not kidding I was a LUNATIC. Once, after coming home from work and school late, I freaked out at Sean because he had cooked dinner and clean the house for me. WHAT? How dare he cook dinner, that is the wife's job. What is he telling me, that I am a bad wife or something? We tried the little pills for over a year, and for the sake of Sean's sanity, decided that I shouldn't be on them anymore. My Dr. suggested the NuvaRing- year 2 passed and once again, this was not the drug for me. The only other option my Dr. had was the IUD... non-hormonal birth-control... DONE!

Years 3 and 4 passed and life was wonderful, even though I was very ornery pretty much all the time, I was not the CRAZY witch from the hormone birth-control days. Somewhere during years 3 and 4 my minstrel cycles turned from "normal" well normal for me at least to pure HELL. I would cramp to the point of crying, I would bleed what felt like Gallons, and they would last for 14 or more days. 2 years of this was enough for me and that is when we decided that it was time to just stop the birth-control all together.

June 2011 we started to try for children... well we weren't preventing it, but we weren't really caring about getting pregnant either. 2011 passed, I was working in Salt Lake, and Sean had switched jobs and had gone back to school. No pregnancies during this time either, no big deal, neither of us really cared, our life was BUSY and we couldn't have afforded a child anyway. In April of 2012, Sean and I decided to move. We put our house up for rent on a Saturday morning, showed it 19 times that afternoon and that evening we had the perfect renters scheduled to move in 2 weeks later. Two weeks later we moved in with my parents, just until the school year ended and we could officially move to St. George.

No jobs, nowhere to live, and a car packed full of our stuff we left Utah County and drove to St. George. We pulled into St. George on June 16th and 24 hours later both Sean and I had job offers and my grandparents had let us move in with them well until August at least. We spent the summer enjoying spending time together, but still did not get pregnant. I was beginning to get a little concerned. We had been trying for over a year and NOTHING. We decided that if I didn't get pregnant by February 2013 we would go and see a Dr. about it.

January 2013: POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!! I couldn't believe it, I was pregnant. I kept it secret because who knew what would happen during the first trimester, I had heard the horror stories. We planned cute ways to announce it to our parents and decided that we would mail the things out the Monday after Easter Break, that would officially mark the beginning of my second trimester. My pregnancy was wonderful, I had promised myself I would never complain about anything. Morning sickness, well kind of, sore breast- double check, extra sleepy- yep, baby bump forming- well either that or I was getting fat really quick... it was hard to tell. Without warning everything turned from great to awful in a matter of seconds.

Our first Dr. visit was scheduled for the Tuesday of Spring Break a week before Easter Break. We were going to hear the heart beat for the first time and see that baby. We were so excited. The cold gel was placed on my lower abdomen, the nurse was smiling, "look there is the bab..." she didn't finish her sentence, "oh dear" she jumped off of her chair, turned the monitor off, and left the room. When she returned she had the head nurse and the Dr. "Is it?" "I think so" OUCH they were pushing so hard, what happening? QUIT talking in code. "Turn the monitor on, I'll explain everything" "There is no heartbeat...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH I'm so sorry... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"

My head was spinning what did they mean no heartbeat? If this was a joke it wasn't funny.
I don't remember much of the conversation after that. Something about it being recent, nothing we could have done, let it go natural or have the surgery. Natural would take anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks- I didn't have a couple of weeks. Spring Break was only this week and I didn't want to end up bleeding everywhere in front of my students. SURGERY- tomorrow morning.

The car ride home was silent, Sean was in his world and I was in mine. "I need to go and pick stuff up from the store do you want to come?" What? was he talking to me? "No, take me home"
At home, I stayed in bed, crying harder than ever before. I called my mom and talked with her and then my sisters all began to call none of them having a clue I needed them. 

The surgery was a success or so we thought. I went on with my life as normal and NEVER wanted the miscarriage mentioned again. I went back for my two week appointment and it was the same thing over again. "Not everything came out, you need another D&C NOW, call you husband and I'll meet you at the hospital in an hour" "WAIT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT" I'll save you the rest of my conversation and choice words, but to say the least, I was upset and two weeks worth of built up emotions flooded out towards the Dr.

After the second surgery I woke up, and something had changed. Yes, parts of me were missing-literally. But, it was also at this time that my happy-go-lucky attitude changed to ROYAL BITCH. Pregnant women at work, church, on the streets, Facebook... you name it and I was glaring at them. Facebook people got it worst because they couldn't hear me calling them names. 16 year olds getting pregnant and I would lose it- why could these stupid little girls get pregnant have a baby and not me? Friends would call and tell me they were expecting, on the phone I acted excited, off the phone I would bad talk them and yell at them. Driving down the streets and I would see a pregnant person and I would think "what would happen if I just drifted a little"? Yes, I know that's a messed up thought but I still thought it. I even stopped going on Facebook all together so that I didn't have to see all the happiness a joy that was happening. It took me almost six months to get over what had happened.
During those six months, I had not gotten pregnant like the Dr. said I would. WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME?

January 2014- still no pregnancy. Time to visit the Dr. and see what is going on. The blood test told it all... you produce to much estrogen, which causes you not to ovulate. The way the Dr. explained my estrogen levels to me was "here is a normal women's estrogen levels, a little above that is a women on birth-control, and way above that is you. No wonder I was a LUNATIC on birth-control, I already had way to much in me. "We can fix this, take these pills during days 3-7 of your cycle and you should get pregnant in a couple of months". I started taking the pills and I was loving life. I was not ornery all the time, I could focus my thoughts on positive things, and oh my minstrel cycles were wonderful, 3-5 days with little-to-no cramping... a girl could get used to this.
Then it happened, a positive pregnancy test again- third times the charm right? NOPE, once again it was gone before I even knew it was there. My wonderful father gave me a blessing of comfort, which helped me come to terms with this miscarriage. This time it was Sean who showed the emotions, I know this sounds weird but his emotions comforted me. He was normal, and he did want children like I did.

So now what? Two weeks after a miscarriage and I feel I am at a crossroads. Do I start the pills back up and keep trying for children or do I start the adoption process?
Pro to pills= feel like a normal, non-hormonal person and could possible get pregnant. Cons to pills= sick for one week every month, weight gain is out of control 25 lbs in 4 months, possible get pregnant and lose the baby again. Pros to adoption= getting to love a child and her birth mother, Cons to adoption= TIME when will someone pick us? MONEY hoop after hoop to cross through with no guarantee of getting chosen. 

WHAT are we supposed to do? We have decided: stop taking the pills for now. This doesn't mean we don't want children anymore. What this means, is that I don't want to gain another 25 lbs, so I need to lose a little weight before we start trying again. We have also decided to start saving money for an adoption. If we happen to come across a beautiful daughter of God, who is willing to place her child with us, then we want to be ready for that.

No, our journey is not over, and I have a feeling it wont be for a long time. But, I have come to peace with this trial in my life. I can now look at Facebook photos and feel honest happiness for the people in the photos. I can hear news about someone I know getting pregnant and not freak out after I hang up. I know I will become a mother one way or another. Ask me why I am not a mother, I am no longer afraid to tell you the answer. But what about the other girls who have not yet reach where I am at? When you are with someone, think before you speak... does she not have children because right now is not a good time for them, or does she not have children because right now is not the Lord's time for them? Either way, is it a question that she wants to hear... probably not.

My amazing sisters

DISCLAIMER: This was written back in March 2013 and I have just now decided to publish it.

This week Sean and I got some really hard news.  Now, of course, Sean and I handle things very differently.   At first I felt fine and he was emotional.  After a time he seemed to be doing just fine but I was emotional.  I needed someone to talk to and without knowing I needed them, all 3 of my sisters called me that day.

Tawna was the first.  She talked to me a let me cry to her on the phone and gave me some of the best advise to help me get over my hurt.  

Malena called next and made me forget, for even a couple of minutes, and made me laugh.   Her and her silly Zombie research paper :)

Mahauni called me that night on her way home from work.  We talked about... Zach my wonderful brother-in-law who is deployed right now.  Thinking about what he is going through and what Malena must be going through helped me forget my own heartache for a little while.

I love my sisters more than anything. Thanks for all your phone calls this week.

Sean

Today Sean turned 29 for the second time! HAPPY BIRTHDAY Love!!

Who am I?

I am loud and outspoken. I never back down when I feel I am right (even when it may seem insignificant). I am quick to anger but just as quick to forgive or apologize. I cannot hold a grudge-not because I am unable but because I think they are not worth my time and energy. I have had my heart broken and patched back together. I have fallen in love once and love with all I can offer. I am emotional and calm, goofy and weird. I get embarrassed and nervous. I am vain yet self-conscious. I am not ashamed or afraid of who I have become. I continue learning about myself everyday and am well aware of my many imperfections. I am a Mormon, a teacher, a friend, an aunt, a sister, a daughter, and a wife. But most importantly I know who I am an I am not afraid to share the real me with you. I am TaMera!

Extreme hatred

I hate hate hate my real estate agent. He is a good for nothing lying SOB. Thank you for letting me vent. That is all.

Hunger Games movie

Sean truly must love me... Why you ask. Because he is sitting here 2 hours before the movie waiting with me. Not only that, he has put up with my nonstop talking about this movie ever since I read the book forever ago and he let me buy tickets the day they went on sell for the first showing. That is why Sean truly must love me.
We arrived for the movie 2 hours before it started thinking we would be stuck in a horrible line but as we got here they were letting our theater go in and sit down. As we entered in the theater and walked up the hall we could hear hundreds of voices and we both said that there was no way that we were going to get good seats. But I do not give into bad seats a quickly as some and so I started walking up the stairs and saw a bright green cone blocking 2 seats. After asking the girls next to the two seats we found out they were open and so we got isle seats (Sean's favorite) about half way up.
Now back to the important part. Hunger Games was one of my favorite books. I could picture the characters so well and I often felt like I was actually part of the books. It is very rare that happens as i read to the extent that it happened with this book. I read all three in a week and immediately went online afterwords to find out if/when the movie was coming. I have never been more excited for a movie to come out!!
Now I know there are some who disagree with this book and feel it should not have been made into a movie; and you are welcome to have your opinion (that's the great thing about being human we are all untitled to our opinion) But please do not tell me that I am wrong for enjoying this book (and soon the movie) as much as I do.
I will defiantly post a review on the movie tomorrow but from what I heard it will be a good review!! So until tomorrow "here's some advice, stay alive"

Sunday drive

This post has two purposes. First, I put blogger on my phone so now I get to try it out an see how it works... Maybe I'll blog more if it's on my phone. And second because Sean and I took a drive around the Provo airport on sunday and got some really good pictures.
On the drive Sean and I kept debating whether the water was frozen. Sean said yes but I thought that it looked slushy... Trying to prove me wrong Sean stopped the truck and decided to walk on the ice... Needless to say I was wrong. I have never walked on the lake when it is frozen so we took a walk out to the middle and back. Here are some of the photos

Crafty over Christmas break

While I was on Christmas break I was feeling very crafty and so these are just a couple of the cards I made. Then I made these cute candy bar wrappers for church. Ok I didn't make them someone else did but I combined three to make the one I liked and I printed them, cut them, and put them on the candy bars.
Side note of you click on the pictures you can see the whole card

4th Anniversary

Along with 50,000 other couples Sean and I celebrated our 4th Anniversary on 7/7 and it was fantastic!  While he was at work I found a couple of our wedding photo discs and started looking through those.  On one of the disc I found our wedding video (which we had never seen) so when he got home we watched our wedding video.  We weren't hungry so we skipped dinner and went out for Ice Cream at Cold Stone.  We then came home watched a movie, ate popcorn and then sat on the porch watching the lightning until we had been eaten alive.  Could it have been any better? I'd say not! 

Sean I love you so much and don't think I could have found a better match.  Thanks for everything you do for me a for putting up with me sometimes. 

Sun Worshiper

On Saturday the weather was AMAZING!! I was not going to spend time inside when it was such a beautiful day outside so I put on a tank top and shorts and went to do my yard work.  In those clothes I mowed my lawn, weeded my flower beds, put fertilizer on my lawn, watched Sean fix the lawn mower... You get the point I was outside from 11-2:30 when my mom came over and said I was getting burned. I didn't feel anything so I didn't think about it. After finishing our yard we went over to my parents house to help Malena move her stuff in and then I helped my mom in her backyard (still in my tank top.)  Around 6 I started to feel a little burn coming and so I put some vinegar on it and then put a regular shirt on.  But like most things in life if you start to feel the pain it's too late.  It didn't really hurt until I went to bed and then ever move I made that involved my shoulders killed me.  Yesterday at Church it didn't hurt until on of the Sunbeams kept patting my back over and over.  I guess this is what I get for worshiping the sun. 

I'm so Proud

I am so proud of my students they did so well on Shakespeare this week.  I couldn't stop smiling the whole play, they received so many compliments from everyone.  These past couple of months of stress have been well worth it!

Shakespeare

My students have been working very hard for the past three months practicing, memorizing, getting props ready and now it is finally here.  They are preforming Love's, Labour's, Lost this week and I am so nervous.  I have a couple more props to get but otherwise we are completely ready.  I didn't realize when I signed up to be a teacher that I would also become a director/ producer... oh the things we learn when we step out of our comfort zones.  My students have grown so much and I am so proud of them.  Though I am stressed beyond anything I wouldn't trade it because this is a chance for my students to shine and show the whole school what great actors they are. 

Grad School

I knew the day I graduated with my bachelors that I wasn't done with school.  Now I am seriously looking into Grad School.  When I first started thinking about Grad school I was going to wait until my third year of teaching and go get my administration degree to become a principal; now I'm not sure I want to do that.  I wanted to go to Law School  and still do but I'm not sure I could stay emotionally detached. What should I do? I want to hopefully be accepted into a Grad School by 2013 at the latest (August of 2012 would be perfect.)  I'm going to keep looking into different options and I will keep you updated on the process of getting to Grad school.  

Private

Sean and I were talking about the blog this morning... he thinks I should go private, I don't really care either way.  What are your thoughts?

House work

I realized that I haven't posted any pictures of what our house looks like but it's all about to change on the inside so before all of our renovations start here are a couple of pictures so that you can compare when we finish. I don't have pictures of my bedroom or the soon to be reading room.

Today Sean is turning an empty closet at the end of our hall into a little office nook. This will free up the room we used for our office and hopefully by the end of the month it will be a little reading room. Then in May we are going to start working on the kitchen and backyard and in June I will start painting. Hopefully it all goes as planned I'll post the pictures once Sean has finished the office nook.

The outside of the house right after we moved in... I planted lots of flowers so I'll post after the snow goes away


Living room from two different views


The Guest bedroom


One and only bathroom



Last but not least the kitchen

A touch of Insperation

Though I may not post to my blog I still visit it at least once a week to check everyone's blogs out. Today I was truly inspired and touched by two of my cousins (who happen to be sisters). Both of these ladies have children with special needs, yet both of them somehow manage to find the positive no matter what the situation brings. After reading their blogs I realize that the Lord has poured so many daily blessing on me that I have been taking for granted. Many days I come home and cannot remember a single happy or positive thing that happened. It seems like when life is moving so quickly it is the negative that sticks out to us the most. I hope that as this week goes on I will be wise enough to open my eyes and realize what the Lord has placed before me.

A Job!

After much anticipation and stress I was offered a job on Friday the 13th. I had an interview on Thursday at Sprucewood Elementary in Sandy and I thought the interview went fabulous. I was extremely nervous and for some reason Thursday was one of the longest days of my life. It went by so slowly and nothing I did seemed to speed it up. Friday morning I had another interview and so I showed up, interviewed and started to leave the building when my phone started to ring. The phone number on the Caller ID wasn't really a phone number at all it said was 801-67 so I didn't have a clue who it was. I answered the phone and on the other line came the voice of a man, before he could even finish introducing himself I knew who it was. He told me he wanted to discuss the position a little more with me and then he offered me the job. I don't even think I let him finish before I was excitedly saying I would be more than happy to accept the job. We talked for a couple of minutes he gave me times of training and the small information that I needed and then he told me he would see me on Tuesday. I was so excited that I called Sean (even though I knew he was trying to sleep) and the second he answered I said, in the calmest voice I could find (which was still pretty much a scream,) I GOT THE JOB!! Sean and I talked for a couple of seconds and then I let him go back to sleep.

I did my student teaching at this school and so I know many of the faculty and students. I love the school environment and the community. My position is in the 6th grade at a traditional elementary school in Sandy. The difference between this job and most other 6th grade jobs is that I only have to teach language arts to my class and then I teach Social Studies to the entire 6th grade. They try to prepare the students for JR High by having them switch teachers.
I am SOOOOO excited to start teaching and to work with 6th graders.

Connecticut Day 3 and 4

For the most part day 3 was pretty much uneventful. We just relaxed and stayed at the house. The boys all went outside and played lacrosse for a good portion of the day and then at the end of the day we all went to the cutest little ice cream shop. The ice cream was really good, honestly it reminded me of my dad's homemade ice cream. While we were eating ice cream Mike's ice cream was melting faster than he could eat it and he ended up with streams of melted ice cream down his arms and ice cream all over the rocks around him. From the ice cream shop you could see The Sound and one of the lighthouses off in the distance. I was unable to take a decent picture of this but just imagine the perfect frame of trees with tall grass growing at the bottom and then in the center of the frame you can see the water and every once in a while a small light flashes. It was really a beautiful sight.






On day 4 of the trip Sean, Lauren (Sean's Mom,) and I started the day off by going for a walk at the town beach. I wanted to go down and take pictures of the lighthouses but when we got to the beach fog covered both lighthouses and so we just started to walk down the beach. I've never been to a beach that was so absolutely covered in seashells. I mean there were thousands of shell all over the beach; you couldn't walk two feet without stepping on at least 15. The walk was so peaceful, not many people were on the beach at that time and so it felt like it was just the three of us and the wonderful water beside us.
Lauren collects sea glass and so we started looking for sea glass; now because I had never heard of sea glass before I wasn't must help in the beginning. Sean on the other hand has eyes like a hawk and he could spot the tiniest piece when no one else could see it. That is also probably why Sean found 5 dollars as it washed onto the beach. The tide was slowly rising and so to finish our walk we had to walk on someone property and then back down on the beach. Right before we started walking up to the property Lauren spotted an arch made out of rocks, it was actually quite cool and probably took someone a lot of time to make. According to Lauren a lot of artist come down to the beach and make art out of the natural elements that they find and if the tide had been lower we would have probably seen a whole lot more.

Firestone

Dear Firestone by my house,

You are a bunch of crooks and I will NEVER go to your store again. To start the list of why I will mention the fact that your employees told me that I need to replace the air filter and the break fluid in my car well here's a news flash for you THEY WERE REPLACED YESTERDAY YOU RETARD, SO I KNOW FOR A FACT THEY DON'T NEED REPLACED. Next they told me that the serpentine belt was cracked and needed replaced but do you want to know a secret... Sean looked at it yesterday and it is just fine. To top of the list your wonderful employee told me that I am going to need 4 new tire really soon and if I bought them today he would give me a really good deal; well guess what I went to Discount Tires on Tuesday (2 days ago) and had them put on 4 brand new tires on my car. MY TIRES ARE PERFECTLY FINE.

Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I'm dumb. I don't think that it is right that you lie to your customers just to try and get them to buy more stuff. I know my car is old and has some problems (that we will not be taking to you to get fixed) but the way you described all the problems with my car you would have thought it was falling apart. My car is not falling apart but your reputation soon will be.

Sincerely your EX-customer,
Ta'Mera Masson